I was so full of sh*t in undergrad it makes me sick to remember.
I was full of all the best kinds of sh*t though. I could convince anyone that I was exactly who they wanted me to be. I did this by lying to save face, covering up the truth, manipulating the truth, avoiding the truth, doing anything to sculpt and shape a story to please all parties involved.
I thought this was power. I thought this was skillful communication. When in reality all I was doing was becoming better at building my own cage in which I locked myself and that kept me from growing.
I did everything possible to protect the facade that I had created. Eventually, it became so sickening to leave conversations feeling empty as a product of the falseness. So, I set it in my mind to figure out what the crap I was going to do to be able to leave conversations feeling like I had done my best and I put myself out there rather than just danced around and avoided anything real or dangerous.
I cannot express how grateful I am that finally, I can explicitly set a goal in mind when entering a conversation to avoid the delicate dances that protect me and choose to be vulnerable with the person in front of me in order that both of us can enjoy and take advantage of the time.
